New Teacher Diaries
Yelling and teaching
Oct 4, 2007 4:39 PM
I started my career last year teaching language arts in a Queens middle school. I was happily surprised to see that I found my way smoothly. Yes, the workload was overwhelming, but I was very satisfied about my control of the children. I became aware of being a lot of students’ favorite teacher, and the only one able to manage a particularly difficult group. Compliments came from peers, administrators and parents. By April I was remarking to friends how quickly the year was going by and that, “my god, is it spring already? That first year was a breeze!”
So my husband was at a loss when he came home one May afternoon and found me curled up in a ball, crying my eyes out and calling myself everything from “incompetent” to “a bad person.” The crisis had started in fifth period that day when Peter, a 6th-grader who joined my class midyear, sat down with what seemed to me like a defiant look. He had not done his homework, he was sitting in a seat not assigned to him and he had brought no materials. Those were his crimes.
Even as I write this my eyes well up at remembering how I angrily went off on him about his lack of initiative, interest and readiness. Peter did not answer and, though he was not required to, I again took it as a sign of defiance and continued the loud reprimand. I cannot say that I did not notice as I was yelling that I was over the top. But, shamefully, it didn’t bother me enough to stop.
Two periods later, we met again. I noticed him cringing as he went past me and that is when something shifted in me. I asked him to come and conference and, for the first time, I allowed him to speak.
His insecure tone broke my heart at once and I realized that I didn’t know this child at all. He had only been in our school for two months and it hadn’t occurred to me to ask him why. He revealed how he had been in multiple schools for the last few years because his father kept moving around and the angst and confusion this caused him. It became obvious to me why Peter would have a hard time getting used to our routines, which include seating arrangements, homework schedules and bringing appropriate materials.
I realized I had failed him in two ways: First, I had not catered to the needs of a late entry (I was probably too focused on keeping up with the curriculum and not losing five minutes of one lesson); second, I had yelled at him, adding to his stress of the unknown school.
Overall, I felt that my lack of pedagogy with him was completely unworthy of all the praise I had gotten all year. I wondered if perfect lesson plans, rubrics and fancy percentage grading programs that impress administrators had left no room for basic empathy for kids. These thoughts were what left me in hysterical sobs.
I didn’t leave school crying, though. Peter’s forgiving eyes, so hungry for a listening ear, so happy to see me warming up to him, made things right momentarily and I didn’t begin to feel awful until I was driving home.
My thoughts? I was a fraud. I had managed to let everyone (including myself) think I was a good teacher because I ran an organized, well-behaved classroom. Had I scared other students into not telling me their needs or worries? Had I not maximized their learning and instead just made sure my day was pleasant?
I managed to calm down and acknowledge that I was overreacting to some degree. I had worked very hard and I had done all I could with my limited experience. I am also not the first or last teacher (let alone first-year teacher) who has yelled at a child and then been eaten up by remorse.
But these are not excuses. I did vow after that not to yell at my students again and to listen to them more. We kill ourselves searching for answers and forget that the students themselves have a lot of them. Being violent (and yelling is violence) just burns bridges with our kids.
Silvia Jackson is the pseudonym for a middle school teacher in Queens who started her second year of teaching this September. A version of this post first appeared on the UFT blog, edwize.org, where “New Teacher Diaries” is a regular feature. If you’re interested in writing for edwize, send an e-mail to sperez1@uft.org.
